Problems with programming
Apr. 29th, 2010 11:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
giveamouseI've been meaning to make a post to help me explain why I just can't bear the thought of taking even one more job doing software development.
The problem is, it's hard to make that post because I'm still trying to understand it myself. So instead, I'm writing this in an effort to understand it.
I could start with the obvious RSI problem: typing hurts. That by itself seems enough to explain why I shouldn't be behind a computer for 8 hours a day, to most people. And it's certainly a large factor, but it isn't the factor that's made me throw up my hands in despair. But it's the one I usually give for a short-answer.
The other short-answer I give is "burnout," which is the closest word I've come up with to describe how I feel, but it puts the focus in the wrong place - burnout happens when someone's let work take over their life, and the stresses hit a breaking point. Burnout is what happens when someone has nothing left to give. That's not what I'm experiencing, though. It may have been, for a little while last fall, but it turns out that I really do do enjoy writing code...for myself, at least.
When given a chance, I can go on a huge rant about software quality issues, and that's related too, but it's also not really the principal issue. Though it's one of the things I'm probably the most angry about. I'm seriously pissed off that I've never really been given a chance to do something well.
But that doesn't explain why I've been covered by a thick blanket of depression for years now. Within weeks of starting a job, it gets to the point that I can barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I find myself spending my weekends unhappily dreading the idea of going back to work on Monday. The antidepressants seem to set up a "floor" on my mood - it won't get worse than a certain amount of depression, but then I find myself getting dragged along that floor. That is, I rarely find myself getting above that minimum. Job related? It's hard to say, but it's also hard to find a better candidate.
Could it be all of the above, in combination? There's something else that I just can't put my finger on. The words just aren't coming, so I guess it's time to set this question aside again.
In any case, my plan forward is to take my linguistics background, and try going in the speech pathology direction. In my more depressed moments, I have some doubts about it, but that's the nature of depression. After all, in my less depressed moments I have many, many doubts about software development.
*sigh*
The problem is, it's hard to make that post because I'm still trying to understand it myself. So instead, I'm writing this in an effort to understand it.
I could start with the obvious RSI problem: typing hurts. That by itself seems enough to explain why I shouldn't be behind a computer for 8 hours a day, to most people. And it's certainly a large factor, but it isn't the factor that's made me throw up my hands in despair. But it's the one I usually give for a short-answer.
The other short-answer I give is "burnout," which is the closest word I've come up with to describe how I feel, but it puts the focus in the wrong place - burnout happens when someone's let work take over their life, and the stresses hit a breaking point. Burnout is what happens when someone has nothing left to give. That's not what I'm experiencing, though. It may have been, for a little while last fall, but it turns out that I really do do enjoy writing code...for myself, at least.
When given a chance, I can go on a huge rant about software quality issues, and that's related too, but it's also not really the principal issue. Though it's one of the things I'm probably the most angry about. I'm seriously pissed off that I've never really been given a chance to do something well.
But that doesn't explain why I've been covered by a thick blanket of depression for years now. Within weeks of starting a job, it gets to the point that I can barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I find myself spending my weekends unhappily dreading the idea of going back to work on Monday. The antidepressants seem to set up a "floor" on my mood - it won't get worse than a certain amount of depression, but then I find myself getting dragged along that floor. That is, I rarely find myself getting above that minimum. Job related? It's hard to say, but it's also hard to find a better candidate.
Could it be all of the above, in combination? There's something else that I just can't put my finger on. The words just aren't coming, so I guess it's time to set this question aside again.
In any case, my plan forward is to take my linguistics background, and try going in the speech pathology direction. In my more depressed moments, I have some doubts about it, but that's the nature of depression. After all, in my less depressed moments I have many, many doubts about software development.
*sigh*
