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giveamouseA friend just pointed me to this lolcat, which made me smile. I've gotten some job applications out lately, for a change. And in the process, I've learned something important about myself.
For a number of years, I've had some serious problems with anxiety preventing me from even getting started on things like job applications. I'd avoid things. Combined with that, I've been tremendously depressed, and it isn't until very recently that I've had very effective treatment for the depression.
And with the treatment of the depression, getting started on difficult tasks became a lot easier, and I haven't had anywhere near so much trouble with facing the anxiety and getting stuff done. And it occurred to me this morning, just as I woke up: this could be explained by a different theory of what I've really been fighting.
When I find myself having difficulty getting started on things, I find that any plans of action are completely overwhelmed by guilt and anger over how I should've already had it done, should have been more productive, should have... lots of 'should' stuff. That's the perfectionism, of course. And I don't want to feel so miserable, so I think to myself, "If I can put this aside, come back to it in a better state of mind, I'll be able to get something done." It looks an awful lot like the anxiety-based OCD-like cycle. But...
What if, instead of unconsciously training myself towards reacting with anxiety, I've actually been training myself further into self-doubt and anger, simply deepening my depression? Sure, sometimes there's a little fear about the future consequences of doing badly, but because of my experiences in the last week, I'm really not so sure that anxiety has much to do with it at all.
Feeling less depressed might somewhat mitigate anxiety somewhat, but it wouldn't really make it this much easier for me to get started on things, and get things done - I would still be somewhat limited by a learned fear response... which I simply don't seem to have right now. So, occam's razor would suggest that I was wrong in thinking there were two problems. Particularly since addressing one seems to have resolved both.
For a number of years, I've had some serious problems with anxiety preventing me from even getting started on things like job applications. I'd avoid things. Combined with that, I've been tremendously depressed, and it isn't until very recently that I've had very effective treatment for the depression.
And with the treatment of the depression, getting started on difficult tasks became a lot easier, and I haven't had anywhere near so much trouble with facing the anxiety and getting stuff done. And it occurred to me this morning, just as I woke up: this could be explained by a different theory of what I've really been fighting.
When I find myself having difficulty getting started on things, I find that any plans of action are completely overwhelmed by guilt and anger over how I should've already had it done, should have been more productive, should have... lots of 'should' stuff. That's the perfectionism, of course. And I don't want to feel so miserable, so I think to myself, "If I can put this aside, come back to it in a better state of mind, I'll be able to get something done." It looks an awful lot like the anxiety-based OCD-like cycle. But...
What if, instead of unconsciously training myself towards reacting with anxiety, I've actually been training myself further into self-doubt and anger, simply deepening my depression? Sure, sometimes there's a little fear about the future consequences of doing badly, but because of my experiences in the last week, I'm really not so sure that anxiety has much to do with it at all.
Feeling less depressed might somewhat mitigate anxiety somewhat, but it wouldn't really make it this much easier for me to get started on things, and get things done - I would still be somewhat limited by a learned fear response... which I simply don't seem to have right now. So, occam's razor would suggest that I was wrong in thinking there were two problems. Particularly since addressing one seems to have resolved both.
